It’s been a while, but I can’t leave anything uncompleted, even a crappy kids’ book written purely for profit based on the least popular installment of a horror video game franchise that can’t even really talk about horror.

Or can it?

Simon looked ill, as though he were struggling with something inside of him that he didn’t want to talk about.  ‘Berkeley Mansion was a bad place, before Dracula ever came to Castlevania.  It is a house where a great baron once killed his entire family, his servants and guests – and was there beheaded for his crimes by the law.”

Wow, was that…an actual reference to death?  A bit of classic horror?  Maybe this book will turn around after all…

“As we enter the doors of this great house, I am reminded of the beginning of one of your jokes, Timothy Bradley,  ‘Knock-knock!’

Tim looked at Simon, and then back at Berkeley Mansion.  ‘You want me to say ‘Who’s there?’  Well, I’m not going to!’  He took in a long breath.  ‘Cause, I don’t really want to know!’

Maybe not.

Anyway, Simon and Tim go to Berkeley Mansion, home of one of Dracula’s body parts that must be destroyed.  Naturally, they must find a secret passage.  Luckily, this doesn’t involve just throwing holy water on random blocks like in the game (it makes sense in context, sort of, not really) but touching a white crystal to an arrowhead.  To be fair, the crystal is in the game, but not the arrowhead at all, so don’t expect this book to even serve as a useful strategy guide – which would be rather sad if that’s what you were expecting from the book, anyway.

But, if you were enraged at this book for ignoring the mechanics of and events in the actual game, then we have a treat for you:

“Something evii is blocking this passageway!”  he said.  “Which means that it may be something that is protecting the rib of Dracula!

[…]

Simon dug into his pack and drew out the large flask filled with the Holy Water they had received from the monk.  “If indeed this is evil, it’s not going to like this!”  He tossed a splash of the water upon the wall.  The effect was immediate.  It was as if Simon had tossed a stick of dynamite.

To be honest, I kind of do wish the book had more of things like evil walls exploding because holy water was poured on it.

So what lies behind the wall?  Murderous animated skeletons, a swarm of floating Medusa’s heads, a vampire bat the size of a car?  How about “Nothing from the source material”?

“Oh dear, of course.  How I do go on sometimes.”  She giggled almost girlishly.  “You must understand, that I am the caretaker of Berkeley Mansion!”

Castlevania:  Land of Danger and Excitement!